frozen

Work hard and it will pay off. That’s how I was raised. That’s what I always do.

I tend to give all of me or nothing at all whenever I commit to something, whatever it may be. I tend to want to do everything perfectly or not at all, most of the time. I get frustrated every time when the thought that there’s no such thing as perfection hits me hard in the face. And it saddens me to feel like nothing I do is ever good enough. The reward, the promotion, the job, …, everything always seems too far, out of reach. That breaks me. It takes everything I’ve got to get back up again and move. It takes everything I’ve got to keep going. It breaks me. It takes everything I’ve got to get back up again and move. It takes everything I’ve got to keep going. It has always seemed weird to me that I tend to not give up, no matter how hard it gets, no matter how much it hurts. I tend to push forward, even if the optimism in me is down to less than nothing. I wrap myself in a blanket of hope, that someday my turn will come and it will all have been worth it. I tend to do all this, but

I tend to do all this, but lately it’s been tougher than before. Because when you haven’t had any wins, and the clock keeps turning, and the plans you made before are coming to an end, and you’ve got nothing left to look forward to, the task of pushing seems all too exhausting to keep doing over and over again. So I freeze. I freeze in this stupid “mean reds” mood, where nothing feels right and even writing or dancing around in the room in my pyjamas seems out of place (and something is terribly wrong when that happens, trust me!).

Actually, this blog is just another example of this. I have to this point 19 drafts of different post entries that never got to be public. And that number would be much higher if I didn’t from time to time erase some. This is what I’m talking about: I wrote a few posts and now I can’t publish any other because they never feel good enough. This is certainly not a great post, it isn’t even good, but I’m forcing myself to publish it anyway because I desperately need to change things.

And I know, I know! This rant might seem like I’m an ungrateful bastard. But my life is not so bad: I haven’t had any wins, but I haven’t had many losses either. I know I’m good at most things I do and I know I can do almost anything I put my mind to. But everyone is entitled to having feelings, whatever those might be, and mine are just a little hard to swallow sometimes. I know, deep down, that if nothing great has yet happened to me is probably because I’m not ready for it yet. But it doesn’t make these feelings any less real. And it surely doesn’t make them go away, while the clock is still turning faster and faster than before.

A friend told me that this resilience is what she liked best in me. The fact that I don’t just quit trying on projects, work, people. And it is truly funny because I always recognized this trait in others as being a strength of character but when it came to me it always seemed like a burden, a flaw, a weakness, for leaving me feeling like this. But working hard takes strength. Trying again takes strength. Pushing, especially when there are no guarantees of what you’ve got on the other side, takes strength. I need to start seeing that in me, for my own sake.

It never takes me too long to defrost. This time won’t be any different. I hope.

-A.

 

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One thought on “frozen

  1. Congelar (verbo transitivo)
    1. submeter a frio intenso, geralmente para conservação;
    2. não permitir variação em determinados valores.
    (…)

    Que esta fase (e todas as equivalentes) seja a ‘congelação’ das tuas certezas, a tua consolidação pessoal, a firmeza que te catapulta para o estádio seguinte

    Liked by 1 person

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